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clickme
Band Aid
As the days transcend by—each day seemingly less vexatious than the other, and at what I can only assume to be a glacial pace—I feel the numbness setting in as promised; my life finding less common grounds to pages ripped out of yet another chick novel.
All I need now is a really smart acronym for "My Dear Friend the Love of My Life Turned Lying Bastard Turned Cheating Scumbag" and I'm all set for recovery.
0 anal amy
When the shit hits the fan..
..and your world trembles every waking moment; your tears duct never seem to run dry, you find your mind running after all the happy thoughts your heart can muster - but the chase appears to be in vain when the next tear trickle, after the other, and the other, and the other.
The irony is beyond me - the fact that the only time the excruciating pain stops being excruciating is when I see your smile spread across the same pair of beautiful lips I've missed kissing so badly; when I hear your laughter and I see a reason to hang on to the edge of a cliff you have pushed me towards.
The moment after finds me hanging on to a monotonous dial tone, the plug yanked and my heart stops being deeply sedated by your presence. The hurt rolls back - in chaotic waves of turbulence - and I find my heart greatly amplified, its veins pumping in erratic rhythms and the emotions crashing helter-skelter.
The loneliness creeps in - like a vicious agenda - and swallows me. My heart is ravaged and I feel so disgustingly alone, the understanding that, your heart has stopped beating for me and that mine can never tread the same treachery yours committed, slowly tearing me apart.
The pain is slowly shaving the bits of me that makes me away, and I'm encased behind a bulletproof window, witness be my only role. I scream for it to stop, my arms thrashing a fence that was made to hurt but never break. The figure brooding before my heart edges towards familiarity and like I always suspected...
...there you were.
2 anal amy
Because I can't find my words anymore.
[14:40:35]
you; says:
kk. d i know how you feel, tho not entirely, but i know what its like to have your heart ripped out.
[14:41:05]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
what about having everything you believed in get snatched away from u by lies, and more lies..
[14:41:15]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
and wanting to sacrifice your own happiness for his despite everything..
[14:41:23]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
feeling so foolish..
[14:41:24]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
and stupid..
[14:41:43]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
and yet after everything you still love him so much
[14:41:50]
you; says:
i know d.
[14:41:54]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
and deep down u know u're never going to love anyone as much as u love him....
[14:42:03]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
its my first relationship, melissa.
[14:42:09]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
i know first times arent always perfect
[14:42:12]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
but i got cheated on
[14:42:14]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
lied to
[14:42:22]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
hurt so fucking.. bad.
[14:42:31]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
how do you believe in love from that?
[14:43:31]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
how do u recover from that?
[14:43:49]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
how do you make your heart stop hurting, your head stop swirling..
[14:43:57]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
because i don't know.
[14:44:14]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
if time heals everything, why do I feel worse every single day.
0 anal amy
Nothing left for me to figure out.
It just occurred to me that I'm so afraid - or rather, don't know how - to love or trust anyone anymore.
You were the first guy I ever loved, and I truly believed the last too. What you did to me... I already have problems trying to forgive, much less forget.
Oh god.
0 anal amy
THANK YOU, BITCHES.
I know a lot of my friends have been trying to be there for me in their own ways – be it old or new – I really appreciate the love I was given with when I needed it most. I’ve been reduced to a hopeless wreck overnight and I just allowed the hurt to grow into amounts I cannot handle. I’ve been crying everywhere and on an intentional hunger strike just to distract myself from the pain. Love – be it gained or lost – is never a rollercoaster ride. I guess this episode was the part where I fell off the rollercoaster and into incoming traffic.
Truth to be told, I’ve never been hurt this badly. I suppose this is love, having the ability to bring you to heights you’ve never thought you’d reach, yet at the same time being able to throw you down so far down, ‘rock bottom’ keeps redefining itself.
I know the tears are going to find their way down my cheeks every now and then, and it’s always going to sting. I know if I couldn’t love another person as much as I loved Zaimie, I wouldn’t delve into anything. I’m staying true to love, unlike a certain ex boyfriend (haha.)
Either way, I’d love to thank all of you who’ve been there personally but I couldn’t go through explaining the whole thing so, here’s my little thank you + explanation. From the bottom of my heart – and I’ve come to realize how deep it can get – I thank you.
[12:18:15]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
i dont know... i guess
[12:18:30]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
i'm coming to terms with the fact that yes im very sad and angry and i do love him
[12:18:30]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
but
[12:18:35]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
im just really sore
[12:18:40]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
that he moved on before we even ended
[12:18:44]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
so quickly
[12:18:50]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
and im still here.
[12:19:08]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
he closed the chapter in my life before i even got a chance to finish reading it
[12:19:15]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
and i keep trying to wonder what the ending cold be
[12:19:18]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
*could
[12:19:29]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
but now i know that its time to just move on to the next chapter
[12:19:35]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
maybe i can figure out the ending from there
[12:19:51]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
maybe the plot just.. changes direction..
[12:19:54]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
whatever it is..
[12:20:15]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
im his friend... to snap him out of what he's doing to himself, lying and lying to everyone..
[12:20:27]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
because i owe it to him.. because our relationship turned him into this guy.
[12:20:46]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
and i feel like i owe it to him to remind him who i fell in love with.. the zaimie who never cheats or lie..
[12:21:02]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
i genuinely want the best for him now.. to cherish whatever he has with the guy now.
[12:21:12]
Tiu tiu piu piu. says:
i'm ready to move on, (INSERT YOUR NAME HERE)! thank you for being there for me
0 anal amy
Void Deck.
Your car was running out of petrol, but you still drove down to meet me anyway. You were broke; unable to pay for one of those fancy dinners you thought made me happy. We bought crackers and iced tea, and so randomly picked this spot. You parked your car, we kissed, we got out and we sat there. We talked - about everything and anything we could think of, and there they were, the smiles that were so genuine plastered across our face. We kissed some more and fooled around a little under the dim street lights. You sent me home and went off on your own way.
Months later, we were in the middle of an argument and I referred to that night as one of the worst dates ever. Cheap, pointless and boring. Out of spite, I destroyed one of the many efforts you put into making me happy with the best of your abilities. It made you so wary of our future dates, as if my words scarred your ego bad. Perhaps it did.
But one thing I never dared to mention, was that it was one of the best dates I ever had. Yes, it was cheap, pointless and boring. But it was with you, and we made each other so happy with crackers, iced tea and a void deck. Perhaps I was afraid to admit that such a simple date could bring me so much happiness, I was afraid by the immensity of the control you had over my emotions.
I wished I could turn back time, I really do. I wished I could turn back time and tell you how much that night meant to me, along the many other nights we spent together. I wished I could turn back time and make you feel what you deserved to feel - loved.
But now, you're gone. And I'm still here.
I'm still here.
0 anal amy
Rie Sinclair - Scared of the Dark
I'm hushing up I won't say anything.
Thousands of kisses collected on paper.
Confessions of blood spilt with nobody near.
And I am scared of living life with out you,
I am scared as we cordially part.
I am afraid of living life with out you,
I am scared of the dark.
Unspoken grief buried soft on the stage,
orchestrated by the fire brigade.
Pages in ink with history made.
Excavating my entire mistake.
And I am scared of living life with out you,
I am scared as we cordially part.
I am afraid of living life with out you,
I am scared of the dark.
Somebody's waiting for you by the door & I've got my own Mr. Invisible.
Empires and nations could crumble and burn,
but you look so nice with your arm around her.
And I am scared of living life with out you,
I am scared as we cordially part.
I am afraid of living life with out you,
I am scared of the dark
0 anal amy
Death.
I have nothing else to say, except I'd really want to die right now. I have even been reduced to this pathetic, suicidal state.
I really have nothing else to live for. Not even myself.
0 anal amy
Change.
This entry doesn't seem to make sense.
Change, what can I say?
There are the kinds that you don't have the say in - a death of a loved one, getting fired from your job, having the one person you thought would never stop loving you, stop loving you.
Then there are the kinds that you have a say in - it might as well be yours to make - from a new haircut to a decision that will haunt you for a very long time.
"Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is ... everything."
Today, change is celibacy. A solemn vow to celibate as I wait, for you to come back to where you rightfully belong. Change is from being your lover, reduced to your friend. Change is appreciating the little things in life, seeing how happiness is as good as your tightest grasp on sand.
Tonight, change is making my life about loving you, by the sidelines. Change is about taking every ounce of my capabilities to make you happy. Change... change is about you.
I don't know when it will stop hurting. I don't think it will ever do.
But I love you, more than you will ever know although somehow, with a little hunch, I think you know the intensity of my love. And so I wait, for the one day you will find it in your heart to love me like you used to.. and until then I shall be your friend. A friend who loves you with every vessel in my heart.
I've been crying for the past few days, I haven't eaten since three days ago and I'm pretty much a wreck. But let this wreck be a wreck for now, let the wounds stay open. Let it not heal for now. Just savour.
0 anal amy
And I can't stop thinking..
..why?
0 anal amy
Alone.
I feel so alone.
Every time I whispered "I love you" into your ears, I always knew that it was one thing that'd never change, the one thing that not even time could erase.
But, what happens when you leave the equation to join someone else's?
It's not a gaping hole. I am left behind with so much capacity to love that it scares me, and I just become alone. So very... alone.
0 anal amy
Quickie.
I'm letting songs control my life way too much. But apparently, it's the only thing that can.
0 anal amy
Falling Slowly
“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”
- Chuck Klosterman- Killing Yourself to Live
A friend of mine pasted this in our conversation on life today. We talked, we reminisced, we shared. It was good, and somewhat served as a deserving pinch on my arms.
There was this line that really put me into perspective: "They win, and you lose."
They, being "the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone" and you, being you. They win, and you lose. Does it mean that at the end of the day, after everything that I have fought and struggled for, ends with me on the losing end?
Nobody likes to lose, but I cannot help but believe that Chuck Klosterman has an idea.
I miss me, 7 months and 7 days back.
1 anal amy
My Other End
Sometimes - more often than others - my life comes crashing down.
And I don't mean tripping across the branch down. I mean tripping across a branch and falling flat into a faulty bear trap that swings me into the air and snaps, throwing me off the cliff into the dancing waves along the vast ocean only to hear my bones crack against a pile of rocks.
Bottom line, life can really suck. Just when you think you'd be swallowed into the ocean blue, your bruises and cuts become open wounds and life's still not done with you. Just when you think you've served karma dues, karma comes around and bites you in the ass again.
And again, and again.
The funny thing is, I don't think I've ever given up. Like a rope, yanked taut and strung repeatedly - I've never really let go of that rope. Call it gut feeling, call it curiosity, heck, call it desperation - I don't care. Perhaps I've never given up fighting the other end of the rope. Perhaps whoever is holding on to the other end of the rope has never given up on me either. Perhaps someone, alike me in ways I'd never have imagined, is fighting just as hard to hold on to that rope, yearning for the day my end of the rope is his to love.
Perhaps.
1 anal amy
Where Are You?
Have you ever sat outside your house for a good half hour, knees curled up at the same spot except this time alone, your eyes welled up to a monotonous dial tone?
I thought so too.
0 anal amy
I've been looking at you, sideways.
0 anal amy
Deal with your own misery.
Well, guess what? Up yours too.
0 anal amy