information
the bitch
There's nothing interesting about me, except the fact that I really should stop switching blogs.
bitch de nuit
Another pretentious way of saying "Bitch, please."
clickme
Friday, October 31, 2008
Solitude and its games
Gray clouds of steam rolled out of the kettle, two teabags anal-retentively armed in the porcelain teacups. The table is set for greatness; pink, white and hints of turquoise transformed the otherwise ancient kitchen island into a Barbie-worthy afternoon.
"How many sugar cubes?" He asked, his hands dipped midway into the sugar pot.
The empty chair stared back blankly at the boy.
0 anal amy
Thursday, October 30, 2008
What I Plan To Wear For Halloween
It's either that or a stay home Friday.
8 anal amy
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I'm going back to the start.
I am dealing. Extremely slowly and in my own terms, but I am dealing. I don't have a plan, neither do I have any progress to report, but here's the truth about me. I like the pain - I savour, I dip and I dabble. I'm the kid who stood under the rain so he could feel the raindrops prick his skin. I'm that kid, and he is dealing. It's not a joyride in the park, but if it has to be a one-man ride, then so be it because I am fucking dealing.
Stop rushing me to be okay, because I am clearly not.
0 anal amy
Monday, October 27, 2008
Guitars and picket fences.
I hope you didn't think I had a choice.
I did what I knew best—which was to hurt you—for the very sake of ensuring the peace and order I once was well acquainted with until you carelessly walked into my life. Every word uttered stung me hard, but what do you know about pain besides its creation?
And butchface, you can stop reading now. There are no more lies to expose, no more secrets to share. Maybe there are, but you'll never live to know them now, won't you?
0 anal amy
Cinta.
I don't know how, I don't know when, but here's one thing I do know which responsibility lies solely on me - that you, in every aspect of an ex, a friend right down to your existence, will stay the fuck out of my life.
Maybe one day—a day I of right now cannot foresee at all—we can exist on amicable terms. Till that day dawns upon us, I cannot be in your life as much I wished you were in mine. I've closed one too many doors just to knock on yours, but the lock stubbornly remains still. My knuckles are sore, my patience left to despair. I cry for an answer, but you're not home.
I'm done. I hope you are too.
0 anal amy
Saturday, October 25, 2008
But You Won't Give Us A Try
I try to move on but your perfect way
Has got this little child asking why
But this world keeps spinning
As my heart stops beating
Is there still no room inside
If I could change your mind
How would you hold me
Would you stay forever
Or just leave me here to drown
Has got this little child asking why
But this world keeps spinning
As my heart stops beating
Is there still no room inside
If I could change your mind
How would you hold me
Would you stay forever
Or just leave me here to drown
How long more do you intend to keep me encircling this roundabout? I've exhausted every last rule in the book; strung every last string patiently, but open your fucking eyes for a minute and take a look at me. I'm walking circles around where you used to stand, except this time, you are long gone and my legs are starting to not see the point.
Until the day when you are ready to see me for more than a friend, more than a confidante you shelve on your beck and call, I can't do this. I thought I was living for you, but it's clearly apparent now that I'm living for the pain.
So stop, and leave.
Until the day when you are ready to see me for more than a friend, more than a confidante you shelve on your beck and call, I can't do this. I thought I was living for you, but it's clearly apparent now that I'm living for the pain.
So stop, and leave.
1 anal amy
Friday, October 24, 2008
Cause I feel alone
I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you
But everything here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time
I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colours and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely
Hearing the best that I've heard
So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone
And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you
So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone.
0 anal amy
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Since you didn't catch it over the phone...
I don't believe in love - not now, not soon, perhaps not ever.
Tragic? Very.
Tragic? Very.
0 anal amy
Monday, October 20, 2008
Channeling "whatever"
I'm so tired.
I'm so tired of the yearning, the hurting, the hoping, the needing, and the loving.
Especially the loving.
He's all yours, go crazy.
I'm so tired of the yearning, the hurting, the hoping, the needing, and the loving.
Especially the loving.
He's all yours, go crazy.
0 anal amy
Sunday, October 19, 2008
You're Gone.
~
We're back to being strangers
On this very day we parted
Strangely feels like the day we started
Except our eyes never met,
Our paths never crossed.
9 months and 17 days;
As far as my love for you can consummate
It's time we call it a day
Your legs must be aching.
My ashtray is flooded
My heart undecided
But what difference does it make?
"I'm done," you said.
I wish you love
I wish you strength
I wish you hope
Take my share, I'd like a little while to sit.
Please be okay
I'll pray to that
Every night, but looking back,
I think God has abandoned me.
I'll be okay
I'll try my best
I know you don't care
Don't lie, don't swear.
~
Third by Daniel Eng
0 anal amy
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Shameful Obsessions Turn My Frown Around
It's been quite awhile since I was this happy and tired, both at the same time.
In true Barney spirit, simply deeeee-wait for it-lightful!
In true Barney spirit, simply deeeee-wait for it-lightful!
0 anal amy
Friday, October 17, 2008
I am Fanning the Flames of Faggotry
How did this..
..become this?
Yes, this should keep my spirits up for a little bit.
..become this?
Yes, this should keep my spirits up for a little bit.
0 anal amy
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I Wish You Death
I'm a-ok.
0 anal amy
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Leave.
No more caring; no more loving; no more knowing, and in an unmarred decisiveness, leave.
My mind's more made up than my bed on Sunday mornings; my hunger for the possibilites have ceased it's wanting, along with what I thought was perpetual faith I placed in you and—on the occasional lonesome nights—us.
Because the Zaimie (that's right, don't exactly give a fuck about protecting your secret identity anymore) I knew stopped being him. In it's place, to my disgust, is a cheating son of a bitch who churns lies, one after another, like hand-made butter.
I don't doubt what you have with Quincy (so sue me) is love, one that I believe neither of you are willing to lose. But I, with every trickled tear as witness, have bore the full impact of your cheating ways and manipulative lies, and I know first-hand the self-loathing and endless questions your selfishness will never answer that comes with the realization of your fibbing ways.
Does it not haunt your sleep that your denial and refusal to right the wrongs and lies you have conceived for Quincy—because the truth always comes out eventually—will one day break the heart of the boy you claim to love and make him doubt every last belief you have instilled in him?
Trust me, I know so clearly the pain that comes with your errs, and it haunts me every night while you sleep like a fucking baby with no conscience to speak of.
Does a reason of "not wanting to lose him" justify your choice to not taint the relationship with your lies? Do you not believe that by lying in the first place, you have already set an expiry date for this relationship? Do you not see your own selfishness, do you not understand the impact of such a secret? One lie heeds another, and the cycle, at the end of the day, will hurt someone to such an unthinkable extent and guess what?
It's not going to be you.
So save your hypocrisy by justifying your choices with the love you have for him because that, is not love. That is another one of your self-serving excuses to benefit your own desires, and it sickens me to the very last bone.
You're afraid of loss, you're afraid of pain. Between them and you is a nauseating ability you have honed well over the months to do everything in your means and beyond the fringe of conscience to separate them apart.
But guess what, Zaimie?
You're not alone. I believe I am afraid of loss and pain as much as you, or Quincy, or anyone else who lives and breathes.
I'm your first victim, the very first lab rat to your warped perception of love. I have suffered, dealt and contained the hurt to the best of my abilities. Sad to say, 19 years of thinking I've stocked and sufficed in preparation for the injuries loving you has sustained has proven that I might as well be as clueless as when I first started out.
With all the love I can muster for you; with all my leftover sanity I beg of you, let me be your first and last victim. Don't let your folly go any further, don't let someone else go through the same agony you have put me through.
If you choose to follow through with your choice and leave Quincy be in a jar of 'ignorance is bliss', then I have nothing more to offer to you. The Zaimie I love and want to be there for will cease to exist from then on, and you and I will be mere strangers who have no wish to extend our relationship any further than that.
~
And I hope you feel better
Now that it's out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling out of your mouth
But now that it's come
If you don't mind
Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave.
Now that it's out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling out of your mouth
But now that it's come
If you don't mind
Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave.
0 anal amy
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Oh god.
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
0 anal amy
Monday, October 13, 2008
It's a choice, to stay.
Yesterday, the day before, the days to come, today - I wake up painfully aware.
Aware of the fact that you're gone; the missing piece from the perplexity that surrounds my heart, and that I'm still here... still, very much here.
Aware of the fact that you're gone; the missing piece from the perplexity that surrounds my heart, and that I'm still here... still, very much here.
0 anal amy
I thought I could change the world with a song
Quietly but blatantly; slowly but surely, I am finding my footsteps before they land. My world continues to spin madly on, only this time round I let myself fall into the revolution of shit. My head is twirling, my heart is faint... and my eyes are set on home.
0 anal amy
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Goodbye.
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
~
Sorry may be the hardest word to say.
Honorificabilitudinitatibus may be the longest word Shakespeare has coined.
Silence may be the most ironic word to utter.
But tonight, and perhaps the many other nights to follow, goodbye is the one word that promises to haunt me with as much certainty as it's mention. Two syllables, punctuated with an undecided reservation, almost instantly caved in to my qualms. I have suffered long and hard, every other misgiving on your part sealed between my lips, tightly shut. Yet, goodbye, as much as I wished, didn't stop the pain. The hurt still very much hurts; the wishful thinking sojourned on the brink of naivety.
My heart is still manifestly vacant, the chilly nights has barely begun to miss your warm embrace.
My lips, dehydrated beneath the pale withered cracks, continues to pine for a pair as moist as yours.
But tonight, along with the terrifyingly lonely nights to come; in volumes so indescribable and immense, goodbye.
~
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
0 anal amy
Friday, October 10, 2008
Elephants
"You are forcing me to remember, when all I want is to just forget you."
I have lost everything that once stood between me and a solitude so frighteningly quiet; in it's place now stands a dreadful void. How do you isolate an isolation, how do I cordially desert the pain?
I need an answer, one both my instincts and rationale have failed to provide.
All I have is a liquor-induced solace; a silence so undeniably comforting yet threatening at the same time. One sheet of emptiness covers the other, and the other; the cycle stuck in a vicious trance. When did I turn into such a nasty wreck, reduced and pitiful?
I need an answer, one I presently cannot afford.
"So for those of you falling in love
Keep in kind, keep it good, keep it right,
Throw yourself in the midst of danger
But keep one eye open tonight"
0 anal amy
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I miss you so badly..
..to the extent that I have exhausted all words to construe my pining heart, my tears suppressed behind a pair of sleep deprived eyelids, the songs on repeat unclothed of their evoked emotions. I so desperately want to believe that one day, I will cross paths with someone who will do more than accept me for everything that becomes of me, but love everything unbecoming of me.
Somehow, just somehow, I cannot help but stare into the whimpered reflection standing before me; it's vacant eyes lamenting of how anyone could even begin to love this massive pile of damage.
Love happened, and then life followed suit. Regrets yeast aplenty; could have's bequeathed would have's; and the aching sore in my heart stubbornly remains.
Somehow, just somehow, I cannot help but stare into the whimpered reflection standing before me; it's vacant eyes lamenting of how anyone could even begin to love this massive pile of damage.
Love happened, and then life followed suit. Regrets yeast aplenty; could have's bequeathed would have's; and the aching sore in my heart stubbornly remains.
And somehow.. somehow.. somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-encompassing, heart-enriching, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love... I have for you.
0 anal amy
Monday, October 6, 2008
To learn how to breathe.
I'm really a disgusting person, matched with disgusting habits.
But I think this disgusting void in my life right now pretty much takes the cake.
0 anal amy
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Tell me now, teach me how.
Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
My face it's all wet 'cause my day was rough
So do what you must do to find yourself
Wear another shoe, or paint my shelf
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I hope I find a place where I feel I belong
The one day that I needed you most—to an unthinkable extent I couldn't bring myself to find my words—your promise proved shy.
Where does the disappointment draw the line; when does the heart stop hurting?
0 anal amy
Friday, October 3, 2008
9 months.
Do you remember?
0 anal amy
Thursday, October 2, 2008
What does it feel like to be in love?
When you lose him and your whole world subsequently falls apart and even still then, he, in any form of a memory or a friend, remains to be everything between you and a destructive silence - that, is what it feels like to be in love.
1 anal amy
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
There's this line.
At one end lies a past so vividly etched in my mind; a yearning so inappropriate; a perfection so brutally flawed. The other end—an opposite I wished was never an option—represents a future, one without you that I am afraid to envision, threatening every last string of sanity I am holding onto.
You've set the rules and the winner is clear, perhaps even before the game commenced.
There's one problem, among others, however.
I'm not very good with rules.
0 anal amy